


'Tis the Season

by UmiHinode



Series: The Story is Eternal [11]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Drama, Drunken Shenanigans, Established Relationship, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 16:59:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17125223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmiHinode/pseuds/UmiHinode
Summary: It's time for the annual Kishitani-Sturluson Christmas party, and this year, Izaya has something different to confess.





	'Tis the Season

The culmination of Ikebukuro's Christmas spirit could be found in the fire that was started in the center of the city by a criminal clad in a Santa Claus costume.

Somehow, it was only December 2nd.

Heiwajima Shizuo had been minding his business, as he now often did, wandering the streets with his eyes drawn to each shop he passed in search of the perfect gift for his bedridden, annoying...ly lovable boyfriend. What had started in pure, innocent curiosity ("I've been thinking about decorating for Christmas") ended in - fortunately - nothing more than a broken arm, and perhaps a broken ego as Izaya's schemes failed to come to fruition. Mostly. Both of their apartments looked lovely now that the tree at Izaya's had been restored to its former glory, thousands of broken shards of glass and loose firs swept away (by Shizuo, unsurprisingly).

Needless to say, December was already shaping up to becoming perhaps the most chaotic month of the year, which spoke volumes. Already, if there was anything Shizuo had learned in the past year, it was that Christmas certainly wasn't the most wonderful time of year. So far, it was better than the previous year at least. Last year he had faced the mess that was Shinra and Celty's Christmas party, Izaya's sudden (not to mention drunken) confession, coming to terms with his own feelings on several matters, Izaya leaving and returning, Varona returning as well only to hold Izaya at gunpoint, and well, Izaya might as well have been a category all his own.

But Shizuo would be damned if he didn't love him. And naturally, with not only Christmas, but their first anniversary coming up, he was in search of a way to express that. He was almost willing to give up for the time being, exhausted after a long day of work and as evening neared to late night, until a parka all too perfect caught his eye. It was almost the exact same as Izaya's old one, albeit appearing much warmer, and the fur seeming all too softer, perfect for the season. Everything set in stone into his mind.

That is, until the building was set aflame.

And thus was the tale of how Heiwajima Shizuo chased Santa Claus down Sunshine Street, actually aiding in the criminal's capture and earning Shizuo five minutes of fame on Channel 666 News, if Izaya's omniscient smile told him anything as he trudged through the door almost an hour later.

"Merry Christmas." Izaya didn't even sit up from his comfortable position on the couch, smirking from ear to ear as he came into Shizuo's view.

Shizuo sighed as he walked past, standing in front of where Izaya's legs lay. "Scoot over. I need to sit."

Groaning, Izaya lifted himself up, resting his head on the arm of the couch, cradling his cast as he did so. "You sound like you need a drink."

"Have  _you_  been drinking?" Shizuo replied as he took his seat.

Izaya merely laughed.

Shizuo maintained the silence as he got back up, trailing off to the other side of the room, sifting through Izaya's things without a care in the world. While he wasn't looking, Izaya stretched his legs back out, only for Shizuo to return shortly after.

"Let me see your cast."

Izaya raised his brows, cradling his cast once more. "Don't break my arm again."

Shizuo laughed in disbelief. "I wasn't the one that-"

Izaya's look told him everything he needed to know. Stunned, his hands fell into his lap.

"Don't make this awkward," Izaya murmured. "I saw the Sharpie. Do what you must."

"Do we need to talk?"

"Shizu-chan, it's been three years. There's nothing to say."

_Haven't heard that in a while._

"If you say so, Izaya-kun." Shizuo reached for the marker he had retrieved from Izaya's desk, and Izaya stuck out his arm, watching as Shizuo popped off the cap and began doodling. Ootoro, Izaya's knife, Celty's helmet, and a stop sign were just a select few of his drawings, and Izaya's squinting was merely supplemental in him understanding that his scribbles were a little off.

"You are not a gifted artist."

At least he was honest about something.

"Whatever," Shizuo murmured, placing the cap back on the marker and sliding it over onto the coffee table, Izaya frowning as he did so. He watched as Izaya retreated the farthest he could to the other side of the couch, hugging his knees and staring at the TV, pouting in the all-too familiar way Shizuo had grown used to. Bickering was commonplace in their relationship, but serious arguments (or in this case, the lack thereof) were surprisingly few and far in between. It was certainly a relief for the two of them, but they both knew better. Even with all the talking they did, they were both absolute garbage at communicating. Izaya was the biggest offender, but that wasn't to say that they weren't both at fault.

They were simply far too stubborn for their own good.

Shizuo didn't bother saying a word, not willing to enable Izaya any further, and so Izaya remained silent as he always did, leaving them to mindlessly watch TV, the gap between Izaya's feet and Shizuo's thigh the shortest of many between them. Once Izaya left the couch, Shizuo did as well, heading home for the night without a sound.

And yet, when Shizuo returned home from work the following night, there was Izaya sitting outside the building, plastic bag resting in his lap.

_You could have let yourself in._  Shizuo's raised brows told him.

Izaya shrugged.  _Maybe I wanted to be polite._

"So what's for dinner?" Shizuo asked as he walked by, holding the door open so Izaya could enter. Once they reached Shizuo's apartment, Izaya laid the contents of the bag out in the kitchen: takeout, unsurprisingly, from Russia Sushi.

If Shizuo were to interpret, it would be something like,  _I'm sorry, but not really, so have some food I bought because cooking is a legitimate apology I can't give yet._

Still, Shizuo said nothing. They ate dinner, Shizuo listened to Izaya ramble on about whatever business he had gotten himself invested in (in spite of Shizuo pressing him to not work so hard), and everything was almost normal.

Unfortunately, this persisted for almost a week. It wasn't until Shizuo's day off, and with that, their regularly scheduled date (this time not in the middle of the night, fortunately for both of them) that there was a silver lining, and a shift from the the awkwardness that consumed the two of them. Shizuo almost dared to say this was worse than when Izaya dropped off the face of the earth for two weeks, or hell, even their fight over Izaya going to America. Yet, the words "we need to talk" couldn't come out of either of their mouths.

That was when their phones buzzed simultaneously, a text from Shinra popping up on their screens. All they needed to see was, "You're cordially invited" for them to both groan and place a hand to their temples.

"I don't think I can do another one," Izaya murmured, and Shizuo could see the horror on his face as he recalled what he could of that night.

Shizuo chuckled softly. "Just don't drink anything."

"You make it sound so easy."

"Well, we have to go," Shizuo murmured, reading over the rest of the message.

Izaya held back his laughter. "We were horrible friends for how long? Shinra can get over himself."

"But Celty."

"...Fine," Izaya sighed, though it didn't take long for him to smile. "It can't get any worse than last year. Given we stay sober of course."

Shizuo mirrored his smile. "Deal."

. . .

"As long as we stay sober, you said."

"Hush."

. . .

The remaining days of December flew by, and before they knew it, Christmas Eve had arrived. The city streets shone with the glimmer of multi-colored lights while wreaths and ribbons adorned any and all lampposts, and light-up Santas, snowmen, and everything in between were posted outside the local shops. Deja vu came over Shizuo then as he recalled the familiar scene from the previous year, the only difference being that this time, he blended in with the dozens of couples flooding the streets with Izaya at his side. This fact brought a smile to his face, and for a moment, he sympathized with the Izaya (pre-broken arm) who, blinded by Christmas fervor, wanted to decorate. Glancing over at Izaya, he realized that his boyfriend couldn't even take his eyes off of the decorations.

"You know," Izaya began, cautiously sliding his hand into Shizuo's as they walked. "We picked the worst time to have our anniversary." Shizuo gazed at him questioningly, pressing him to continue. "Just think how many people will be celebrating tomorrow."

Shizuo laughed. "And whose fault is that?"

"Certainly not mine."

Rolling his eyes, Shizuo gently nudged Izaya's shoulder with his. "Speaking of that, when would you have confessed if you didn't say somethin' that night?"

Izaya pursed his lips in thought. "I'm...not sure, actually."

"Don't get hung up on it," Shizuo replied, reaffirming his grip on his hand. "Let's just have fun."

"Ah, yes. Fun," Izaya couldn't finish his statement without cracking a smile. "I feel like I should've spent the past few weeks praying that Shinra had a talk with his dad."

Speak of the devil. Once they arrived, it wasn't Shinra, but Shingen who welcomed them to the party. Once he was out of earshot, Izaya murmured, "He seems normal enough," earning a laugh from Shizuo.

As they rounded the corner, the living room came into view, just as packed, if not more so than last year. From a brief glimpse, the usual crowd was present - Kadota and company, Emilia, Egor, the Raira kids, Namie (much to both Shizuo and Izaya's surprise), the twins, Akane, and…

_Oh, no._

[Hey!] Celty greeted, tapping on Shizuo's shoulder to get his attention. [Glad you could make it.]

"Wouldn't miss it." Shizuo replied, near deadpan, as he processed the scene in front of him.

Celty's shoulders shook as she typed, and Shizuo could only hope it was from her laughing. [Right. There was...a bit of a mix up.]

Akane tried with all of her tiny thirteen-year old might to restrain both of the twins (well, mostly just Mairu), while on the opposite side of the room, Erika and Walker wrestled with a sobbing Saburo. Off to the side, Kadota chugged his drink down in one fell swoop and immediately retreated to the kitchen for another, not daring to look back.

Sitting at the kitchen table was none other than Kasuka and Ruri, and a good portion of the people crammed into the living room were collectively losing their minds.

"Heh. Sorry about that." Shinra called from the kitchen as he meandered past everyone. "I thought it'd be nice to invite Kasuka and Ruri-san, but.."

Ruri bowed her head. "We can leave if we'll be an inconv-"

"Not at all!" Shinra exclaimed in tune with Celty as she typed. "We're honored that you made the time to come."

Shizuo glanced between Kasuka and the crowd, and everyone immediately fell silent.

"Damn…" Shinra murmured out of both awe and pride, and beside him, Celty's body relaxed in relief that she wasn't the one to stop the chaos, as was usual for her.

Shizuo and Izaya took their seats across from Kasuka and Ruri, and slowly the noise level returned to a more sensible volume. Ruri blushed, bowing her head once again out of gratitude while Kasuka, as expressionless as ever, simply nodded in acknowledgement to his brother and Izaya.

"Never expected to see you two here," Shizuo said, finally able to smile upon seeing Kasuka.

"Kishitani-san and Sturluson-san have been nothing but kind, so we thought we'd return the favor," Kasuka replied, Ruri nodding in agreement beside him.

Speaking of Celty, it was hard for anyone sitting at the table to miss her as she circled around, lingering near Izaya until she finally brought herself to approach him, visibly struggling as she typed. [Would you like to help out with the hot pot? Shizuo claims you're a good cook.]

"I thought you'd never ask," Izaya responded, and Shizuo cracked a smile at the tiniest bit of shakiness in his voice. Shinra was a genius, specifically making each Christmas party a hot pot party.

There was still some animosity in the room towards Izaya, evident by the glares on Masaomi and Erika's faces as Izaya followed Celty, but slowly but surely, he was fitting in. Shizuo felt a bit of pride well up in his chest.

_If he can change, anyone can._

"Can I interest any of you in a drink?"

Shingen's sudden question snapped Shizuo out of his thoughts, and he immediately shook his head. "I'll pass."  _Dammit Shinra, you had one job._

"Come now, Shizuo-kun, it's Christmas," Shingen replied in a tone eerily (and unsurprisingly) reminding him of Shinra.

With a false smile he hadn't had to use in quite some time, Shizuo said, "Maybe later."

. . .

Later evidently wasn't much later.

Once the hot pot finished simmering, Celty and Izaya each carried a pot into the living room, setting them down in front of the many starving guests who quickly ceased talking once they saw the food. Mairu and Kururi were the first two to get their servings, fighting tooth and nail (again, mostly Mairu) to be the first to taste that savory goodness. Naturally, Izaya waited until after they finished eating to brag about they were willing to eat his cooking, which led to a battle neither Izaya nor Mairu were willing to back down from.

"Guess it runs in the family," Shizuo murmured, earning a laugh from Kadota and Namie.

For a while, all was fine. Food simply had that effect. It was almost a completely ordinary Christmas party - until Shingen, once again, slowly infected everyone with the contagious disease of drunkenness. Before anyone knew it, everything began to turn upside down. Kasuka had made the mistake of attempting to talk to Mairu and Kururi, essentially sibling-in-law to siblings-in-law, and with Ruri alone, and Saburo left to his own devices, both encounters went about as well as anyone would expect. Erika ran off to the bathroom with Anri in tow, and both girls returned wearing sexy Santa dresses, Erika leagues more comfortable than Anri. Mikado attempted to look anywhere but at his girlfriend out of embarrassment as Masaomi teased him and Saki wasted no time taking pictures. Namie and Kadota sat off to the side, sipping their drinks with cautious glances to the chaos around them, rolling their eyes at whatever Izaya was telling them. Akane, dazed and confused amidst the chaos, retreated and hid behind Shizuo, who was just as dazed.

"Shingen-san," he murmured. "I think I'll take that drink now." He could only imagine that Shingen was smiling (rather devilishly, in that Kishitani way) underneath his gas mask as he handed him a can of beer.

It didn't take him long to recognize the matching can in Izaya's hand as he laughed as Namie shoved him as hard as she could without pushing him out of his chair.

As chaotic as the Kishitani-Sturluson apartment was, in a way, Shizuo reasoned, it was also serene seeing this eclectic bunch gathered together. There were, of course, the hosts, striding through the beginning of what Shizuo knew in his heart would be a long, happily married life. One look at them sitting together, Shinra's head resting on Celty's shoulder, brought Shizuo back to their wedding day. He'd never forget how obnoxiously (and endearingly) Shinra had sobbed upon seeing Celty in her dress, and how if Celty could have cried, she probably would have as she typed her vows. They weren't your typical couple, but they almost made Shizuo believe in something like soulmates.

On the topic of atypical was Kadota and company. Kadota was as dismissive as always, sitting away from his friends - rather, his family - with his hand glued to his temple, but every once in a while, one could catch him gazing between Saburo, Erika, and Walker with an undeniable fondness. Erika and Walker had disappeared to a corner of the room, huddled together watching a new anime episode on Walker's phone and snickering over something. (Shizuo misheard them saying torture, right?) In the opposite corner of the room lay Saburo, so overcome with happiness from seeing his idol in person and so very, very drunk that his brain essentially ceased to function, useless except for quietly singing Ruri's songs to himself. They were the same as always.

In the middle of the room sat the Raira kids, each of them looking older than Shizuo figured they should look, until he realized that all of them, the twins included, were now attending Raira University. He couldn't say much about any of them except for the twins of course, along with Masaomi, aside from the fact that he wondered why they always showed up as if at Shinra and Celty's beck and call. They all seemed to be enjoying themselves regardless, holding hands and laughing without a care in the world. Masaomi had pushed aside his grudge against Izaya for the night, and Shizuo felt oddly proud, reflecting on their conversation from earlier that year.

And he couldn't forget Akane of course, who had now (rather reluctantly) joined the Raira kids at Mairu's request (re: demand). She was completely out of place in the group in many ways, but she had at least gained the courage to leave Mairu's side and talk to the others, particularly Saki. Shizuo couldn't really blame her for having trust issues, all things considered. Things were still awkward between her and her family, but Akane was working hard to grow as a person, artist, and fighter. Unfortunately Shizuo was still oblivious to her true motivation for wanting to become stronger, taking her other actions into consideration and believing that Akane simply idolized him, but after all, ignorance is bliss.

Attached at the hip with Izaya was Namie, something no one in the room, especially Namie herself, would have believed would happen a year prior. Despite her quitting her job with Izaya, this time permanently, they just couldn't seem to get rid of each other, and though neither of them would dare admit it, they didn't mind. Shizuo would almost say that Shinra had lost his spot as Izaya's best friend (mostly due to the fact that he was no longer his only friend), but if Shizuo had learned anything it was that Shinra was hard to replace. In Namie's case, replacing both father and son was a hassle, if her strangling Shingen, her superior, the man she had denied to work for for so long, more than once in the span of an hour proved anything. Shingen stumbled away dejectedly back to Emilia and Egor, and Namie checked her phone, Izaya peering over her shoulder as she did so. Shizuo wasn't close enough to hear, but Namie murmured something that caused Izaya to immediately flush, and for a moment he regretted being out of earshot. Namie beating Izaya at his own game had become all too entertaining to witness.

Across from them sat Kasuka and Ruri, and Ruri was blushing along with Izaya, which only made Shizuo more curious - though Ruri was rather easily flustered, after all. At first glance, Kasuka's expression was as blank as ever, but there was just a hint of a smile on his face as he looked over at Ruri. It warmed Shizuo's heart to see them happy, especially after Kasuka's hospitalization. They had almost lost him, but there he was, the man of few words who captivated the hearts of many, hand in hand with the woman he loved, strong as ever.

_"I got so used to seeing you in a hospital bed, I guess I never thought I'd see myself here."_

Truly, Shizuo had no idea what he'd do without Kasuka. Seeing him in that state had perhaps been the worst moment of his life, as he stood powerless, praying to divine forces he wasn't entirely sure believed in that his brother would be safe. Accepting two drinks from Shingen, Shizuo finally made his way over to the table, sliding a drink over to Izaya before sitting across from Kasuka once again.

Last but not least was Izaya, who was glaring daggers at him for giving him another drink - as he gulped down said drink. Together they had jumped straight from denial to acceptance, falling victim to a fate no one save for the minors in the room could avoid. Well, except for maybe Celty, given she didn't have a head. But - Izaya, Izaya, Izaya. Sitting there, teasing Namie, annoying Kadota, in general doing what he did best and fitting in like he had always belonged in this room. If anything going on in that room could warm Shizuo's heart, it was Izaya, no longer the outlier. He was as worthy of being there as anyone else, and this year, there wasn't a hint of worry in him. He was still the same Orihara Izaya - clever, cunning, charismatic, and carefree, but at the same time, he had changed more than anyone else in that room. Perhaps it wasn't even a matter of change, but a matter of perception, now that Shizuo had seen him at his best, his most vulnerable, and everything in between.

In that moment, Heiwajima Shizuo was completely at peace. After years upon years of isolating himself and spending the holidays alone, he - along with Izaya - had found a place to belong. This was what he had fought so hard for.

Yes, even Shinra's stupidity.

"Who's ready for some karaoke?"

Everyone collectively turned to face Shinra, stunned by this revelation as he carried a small karaoke machine out, placing it in the center of the room. Shinra sighed upon seeing their dazed faces. "Ruri-san, how about you do the honors?"

All eyes were on Ruri now, leaving her to hang her head in embarrassment once more as she pulled herself together. "S-sure! Does anyone have any requests…?"

Saburo, brought back to reality by the sound of her voice, called out, "Little World!" Shinra and Celty, really the only other Hijiribe Ruri fans in the room, nodded in agreement, and with their approval, Ruri took to the stage, grabbing the microphone as if it were made for her and pouring her heart into her song right from the slow start. Her voice was rather soft, yet it still carried the strength that had made her famous, especially once she hit the shift in the chorus. Erika and Walker retrieved glowsticks, from where no one knew, giving birth to two more Ruri fans that night.

"Her voice...it's almost as if Hatsune Miku herself is among us," Erika gushed, Walker enthusiastically nodding in agreement beside her.

Kasuka, to everyone's surprise, approached the otaku duo, accepting glowsticks from them and joining them in cheering Ruri on, his expression monotonous, but his heart full of love. Upon seeing none other than Hanejima Yuuhei join in, Mairu and Kururi did as well, borrowing from Erika and Walker's extensive collection from what everyone now realized was Walker's seemingly bottomless backpack. Glowsticks of various colors soon found their way to everyone in the room, even Shizuo and Izaya, who stared down at them curiously.

Ruri finished her song by the time everyone had gotten their glowsticks, and the microphone became the new baton to be passed to whoever dared sing following her near flawless performance. Sure enough, Mairu and Kururi were the next performers out of pure spite. Kururi's soft tone in comparison to Mairu's bold voice made for an eerie harmony, in a love song of all songs, yet somehow, they made it work. Mairu tossed the microphone to an eager Masaomi, who, once he opened his mouth singing about rats, was joined by a laughing Saki. Together they offered their mics to Mikado and Anri, who both profusely and as politely as possible rejected the sentiment. Surprisingly, Kadota and Saburo were next, and one had to wonder how Kadota agreed to it; granted, it was a party. Naturally, Erika and Walker followed, though they first argued for a solid five minutes over which song to choose, name dropping a long list of anime Shizuo couldn't even begin to comprehend and using a game of rock paper scissors as a last resort to make their choice on the slowest song of the night. Shinra was next, singing solo seeing as Celty was physically incapable of joining him, providing the third love song of the night, surprising no one.

And that is when the mic made its way to Shizuo and Izaya.

"Shinra," they said in near perfect unison, Shizuo tense and Izaya laughing in disbelief. Izaya added, "I'm not even sure how drunk I'd have to be to do this, and I can tell you I'm nowhere near that level."

Shinra just smiled. "I'll come back to you."

Sure enough, he did. Eight songs and an indeterminable amount of drinks later, Shinra offered the mic once again.

"Goddammit."

"If we all embarrassed ourselves, you have to," Namie called out, smirking.

"Do you even know any songs?" Izaya teased once they reached the front of the room, microphones in hand.

"Can we just hit random and see what happens?"

Izaya nodded and together they watched as the song title appeared on screen.

"Osakana Tengoku?" Shizuo echoed, squinting to read.

"You said let's see what happens," Izaya replied. "You go first."

Shizuo could only groan and listen to him, attempting to sing along - and failing miserably. Izaya joining in for ad-libs only made things worse, turning him into a laughing mess. Once the chorus hit, they were left to realize that they were the least gifted singers in the room, and at that point, acceptance reigned supreme once again as they purposefully turned the chorus into an abomination. Granted, the entire song was about fish, so it was already the most...interesting...performance of the night.

"You're both banned from karaoke," Shinra told them afterward.

"Good."

As they took their seats once again, Shizuo couldn't help but smile. "That was actually kinda fun."

"We're awful, though," Izaya replied, still laughing. Shizuo had a sudden urge to hold his hand, and he did without hesitation. Much to his surprise, Izaya accepted the gesture, though not without looking at Shizuo, looking away and staring down at his feet - yet affirming his grip on Shizuo's hand.

"He finally broke," Mairu gasped, covering her mouth with one hand and pointing at Izaya with the other.

"PDA," Kururi said in a near whisper, resting her head on Mairu's shoulder.

Izaya sighed. "You act like I did something out of the ordinary."

"For you, that's pretty out of the ordinary," Shinra chimed in, glasses glinting impishly.

"Aww, look at the happy couple," Namie leered, leaning in closer.

Now it was Shizuo's turn to get flustered with all of the attention. Unable to speak, he left the words to Izaya, who resorted to silence - and turning around to give him a kiss. Erika shrieked and "fainted" onto Walker's lap, Mairu burst out laughing, Akane crossed her arms, and the noise level in the room blew out of proportion for probably the hundredth time that night.

Shizuo's face turned red, and he gave Izaya a look that said,  _What was that for?_

"That," Izaya whispered, "was for getting me to drink so much."

_What happened to you being stupid and emotional?!_

Izaya could only beam, completely full of himself.

Okay, maybe Shizuo deserved it. He had lost count of how many times he believed he had subtly pushed a drink in Izaya's direction that night while he wasn't looking - which was difficult, because Shizuo realized then just how often Izaya had his eyes on him. It was cute, but defeated his whole objective: to make Izaya unwind, just a little. The past few weeks had been absolutely suffocating with how closed-off he was being. And, if last year had taught him anything, it was that Izaya became a lot more willing to talk under the influence.

Okay, yeah. He had gone a little overboard. Izaya was willing to sing with his less than stellar voice in front of that many people, not to mention kiss him, even as a tease/punishment with others watching.

Stupid and emotional drunk Izaya had been replaced with conniving, sly snake.

Unless…

Just as light bulbs went off above Shizuo's head, the room suddenly erupted in cheers of "Merry Christmas!" It took just one look at Celty standing amongst the crowd holding her PDA out, with "0:00" formed by her shadows for everything to click. While the others threw their fists and glowsticks into the air, Celty nodded at Shizuo, and Shizuo gratefully bowed his head in return.  _Nice save, Celty._

"Alright everyone," Shinra began, clasping his hands together. "You should probably head home before the trains stop."

With some boos and sighs, and a whole lot of chatter, the gathering of friends, family, and acquaintances dispersed for the night, each paying their respects to Shinra and Celty before exiting. When almost everyone was out the door, Izaya finally rose from his seat, stretching his good arm out before heading for the door, not even looking back at Shizuo. Hesitantly, Shizuo got up and followed him, grasping for his wrist.

"Hey, can we talk?"

"Depends."

Shizuo fought back a sigh. "Let's just go outside."

And so, after saying goodbye to the Kishitani-Sturlusons, they did. Izaya took a seat on the railing outside the apartment complex, swinging his legs absentmindedly. Shizuo stood beside him, resisting the urge to smoke, an urge he hadn't had to deal with for quite some time. Fortunately, he didn't even have cigarettes on him.

"You already know what this is about," Shizuo began, lightly as possible.

Izaya hummed as a response.

"Izaya, please."

No response.

"I get that you don't like talking, but-"

"If you get that, then why do you keep asking me?" Izaya retorted. Raising his voice, he added, "How many times am I going to have to tell you?"

And, hypothetically speaking, the vein popped. "You can't just bottle everything up, trust me!"

Finally Izaya faced him, eyes near slits. "And why should I?"

Shizuo was stunned silent.

…

"What is that supposed to mean?"

Izaya averted his eyes, stressing each syllable of his reply. "I don't want to talk."

" _Izaya._ "

Jumping off of the railing, Izaya began walking in the direction of the station. "I'm going home. Don't want to miss the train."

Shizuo could only watch as he went.

. . .

He wasn't even close to being awake when the doorbell rang the next morning.

In fact, he had barely slept at all, kept awake by his guilt and his worry - again, something he hadn't had to deal with in quite some time. It was hard to not worry; Izaya was clearly upset, it was clearly his fault, and he had channeled his nervous energy into figuring out his plan of attack for the next day. Of course, their anniversary, of all days.

How typical of them.

He had expected Izaya to not talk to him for at least a week out of spite. He wanted nothing more than to rush over to Shinjuku and apologize, but at the same time, wouldn't he just get even more angry? He couldn't have been more thankful that Izaya was the one to show up on his doorstep instead.

"You're here…" He murmured drowsily, still in his pajamas as he rushed to open the door.

Izaya crossed his arms. "Against what I thought would be my better judgement, yes. You're lucky I'm hungover."

Shizuo could have joked then, but he bit it back, instead inviting him inside without another word, leading him to the kitchen and turning on the coffee maker only present in his home because of Izaya's frequent visits. Izaya hummed as he waited at the kitchen island, watching Shizuo brew him a coffee and as he handed it over to him.

"So…"

Izaya looked up from his coffee. "I'm sorry."

"That didn't take much."

Normally, he would have expected Izaya to laugh. Instead, he just sipped away at his coffee. "Don't press your luck… I knew you were right. I can't keep things to myself, especially when they're this important, and especially not when you have a right to know."

Cautiously, Shizuo circled the island and took a seat beside him. "We've… never really talked about what happened, have we?"

"I'll admit, it's mostly my fault. I thought I could finally embrace the fact that I'm not as invincible as I thought, but… it's hard. Unbearably hard, some days. Leaving it behind me doesn't work, either," he sighed, leading into a groan. "Dammit, I'm really doing this."

"I'm all ears," Shizuo reassured him with a faint smile.

Izaya met his gaze, though he couldn't smile just yet. "...As you know, after our fight, I was in a wheelchair until early last year. I couldn't move around on my own for a while, but with physical therapy, I could have been out within a several months. I didn't go to therapy, period, for almost a year and a half. I convinced myself that confining myself to that wheelchair was what I deserved. I was wrong about you, and that critical error would serve as my punishment."

Images of a battered Izaya came to Shizuo's mind then, nausea beginning to overcome him. He had never seen Izaya in his wheelchair, but seeing how he had been after the brunt of his attacks, it wasn't hard to imagine. Butterflies rose up to his throat, suffocating him.

"You told me that night that I wasn't a monster. That I never was."

Izaya nodded. "That's what our fight taught me. And yet, I became terrified of you. I'd tremble at even the sight of a vending machine. That's why I didn't come back at first. I wanted to apologize to you, but I was just so afraid. Sometimes, I still am."

"...You are?"

"I doubt I'll ever fully get over it, but it's out of my control. Nightmares, flashbacks, panic… in my mind, I have no choice but to isolate myself. The last thing I want to do is remember how much I hated you, feared you, but…"

Shizuo had to look away.

"Don't."

"But-"

"Dammit," Izaya said softly, before clearing his throat. "Shizuo, I love you. I really do. I'm so unbelievably happy that I've gotten to know who you really are. I wish with all of my heart that I could put the past behind me, that I could even begin to make up for all of the time we wasted. I decided I wouldn't run away any more, but I still am. Of course I am. I'm a coward. This month has been the worst I've had in a long time, all because I can't get a grip. I saw you hold my broken arm, and my brain just shut down." Shizuo opened his mouth, but Izaya beat him to the chase. "Don't apologize. Please. Don't. It's just unbelievably hard dealing with everything. Dealing with myself."

Shizuo remained silent, contemplative for more than a moment. "I won't, since you asked, but… Knowing that I've put you through that much pain… Is staying together really a good idea?"

Izaya reached out for his hand, forcing him to make eye contact. "Do you really think I would have stayed with you for this long if I wasn't up to it? I came back to Ikebukuro ready to conquer my fears and grow. I kissed you first, you idiot."

Finally, Shizuo smiled again. "I know, but."

"The last thing you want to do is hurt the one you love. Yes, I'm aware."

"Since we're sharing, is it okay if I…"

With his hand still in Shizuo's, Izaya interlocked their fingers. "Go ahead. It's only fair."

Quietly, Shizuo continued, "Just know, please, I'm not not trying to one up you here or anything-"

"Just say it."

Inhale, exhale. And just like that, "Not knowing whether you were dead or alive haunted me every single day. I couldn't stand the possibility of you being dead, that I really could have killed someone and not have even known. I was still angry for a while at first, but I started thinking a lot about what it would have been like if we got along. I started wondering if you were really as bad as I thought you were. And I hate that, even now, even though you mean so much to me, part of me is still stuck in the past. I catch myself saying or thinking dumb shit all the time. But you're not who you used to be."

Now it was Izaya's turn to stay silent in thought.

"Izaya, please just promise me that you'll talk to me. I know I can't even begin to make up for what I did, but if I can be even just a little better…"

There was a smile. "I suppose I have nothing to lose, considering I just spilled everything to you."

Shizuo chuckled. Weakly, but it counted. "Promise?"

"Promise."

"Hey, Izaya."

"Hmm."

Stubborn bastard, he knew it was coming. Shizuo sheepishly smiled as he leaned in, running his fingers through Izaya's hair to get him to turn his head. Once he did, Shizuo closed the distance between them, this time for a proper kiss, not the weak display from the party.

"Happy anniversary," he said as he pulled away, still cupping Izaya's cheek with his hand.  _Thank you for finally telling me._

Izaya rolled his eyes before grabbing him by the shirt collar. _I won't make this a habit, but I suppose I promised._

"Happy anniversary."

**Author's Note:**

> long an incoming, wee woo wee woo
> 
> Happy holidays everyone, and merry (early) Christmas to those of you who celebrate! Sorry this took so long to get out. I was planning to release this around this time from the beginning and originally I needed the two months to write, but I had to cut a lot from this fic. Together this is only two out of the six planned chapters. Don't worry, I'll be publishing one more of those chapters eventually! I ended up thinking it would work better as a separate fic. That aside, I feel like this would have been a good way to wrap up the first wave of stories for this series (hence the long bit of shizuo reflecting), but there's still quite a few loose ends I need to attend to. Speaking of loose ends, there are a couple of edits I need to make to some of the previous one shots; nothing major, I'm just fixing some grammatical & continuity errors, so don't mind me.
> 
> Speaking of errors... This fic addresses something that's been bothering me for a while, and I feel like I still kind of went through it quick, but. I realized that Shizuo and Izaya have actually never really, seriously talked about their issues, particularly what Izaya went through. I wrote about them a lot in liauc but haven't really brought them to light recently, so I wanted to amend that. Despite being in a happy, loving relationship, they did hate each other for over a decade. Those feelings can't easily be forgotten, especially in Izaya's case as he suffered legitimate trauma. They still have a lot to work through together, and I will continue to address this as Izaya learns to open up and Shizuo puts his unconscious grudges behind him, but they have come a long way.
> 
> I have a lot of ideas for the rest of the series, so I'm definitely not done yet, but! A. I have a good handful of ideas for other fandoms currently (namely Love Live, Bandori, Fairy Tail, and Steins;Gate) and B. I've been considering taking requests! I'd love to write what you all want to see. Now that I finally have my muse back I want to get as much writing as I possibly can done. I have no clue what the upcoming semester is going to be like for me so I can't make any promises, but I'd love to publish as many stories as I did this year, even more if possible. I of course have quite a few ideas of my own - namely the Orihara family & Van Gang fics I've been teasing for months now, along with some good old (proper, finally) Namirona for my two (2) fellow shippers (join usssss) and some secrets! (wink wink) Seriously, I'd love to hear what you all want to see more of.
> 
> Now, in case anyone's interested: the songlist from the karaoke scene. The first song is little world, Ruri's song from x2, which I learned while trying to hunt it down was actually written by Toshiyuki Toyonaga, Mikado's voice actor. The more you know! (Almost) all of the songs sung by the other characters are their character songs from the show itself - Koi no Bakansu for the twins, Linda Linda for Masaomi (featuring Saki in this fic only, sadly), Fuyu no Inazuma for Kadota and Saburo, Kimi wo Nosete for Erika and Walker, and Diamonds for Shinra. The song Shizuo and Izaya sang, Osakana Tengoku, is based off of a video I saw way, way back in my early days in the fandom of their voice actors drunkenly singing it together. It's pretty hilarious so I'd recommend listening to them - and all of the other character songs, because they're all certified bops. (including the ones I didn't mention. seriously drrr doesn't have a bad character song)
> 
> Anyway! All that aside, thank you so much for reading! ♥ Kudos, bookmarks, and comments, as always, are greatly appreciated. Especially comments. please. some days it feels like i'm talking to the wall. I doubt I'll see you all again before the new year so I just want to say thank you for making my 2018 with all of your support, and I hope you all have an amazing 2019!


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